Friday, May 14, 2010

Duality

I'm forever in awe of how complex emotions are. Not only do they all carry their own nuances, but those nuances are expressed by multiple words, making it incredibly difficult to accurately and completely express what you're feeling. Add to that the common experience of feeling multiple emotions at once, and it's nearly impossible.

I've been feeling two things at once lately, and it's been a struggle. I had a lot of trouble even identifying to myself what I was really feeling. I think the difficulty came from the fact that I was feeling two opposite emotions about the same thing: patience and urgency, fear and certainty, tension and calm, hope and hopelessness. The math of that is eight emotions, each with their own layers, complexities, and flavors. It's no wonder I was having trouble sleeping.

I have kind of a, let's call it a need, to identify what I'm feeling right away, to give it a name. I have a lot of trouble when I can't pinpoint it, and the direct result of that is my getting even more frustrated and being unable to step back long enough to really look at what's going on inside my own head. I like to be able to say definitively I felt this at this time. Nevermind the fact that I often can't or don't express that to others; it gives me a kind of solidarity, a sense of control.

It's been both a blessing and a curse over the last couple of years. Sometimes I've felt so overwhelmed that I've just given myself up to the craziness, and that feeling of surrender has often brought more peace of mind that other ways I've tried to deal. Sometimes I've just sat and strummed my guitar and kind of let things float around, and sooner or later I find that they've settled in a way that I can identify them. And other times, as I mentioned before, I hate the craziness and I fight it with everything I've got. When I do that I usually end up feeling things even more intensely and also adding anger and impatience to the mix. Not a great idea, that.

I'm learning to be patient with myself, because I've been discovering that I'm not. I often dive directly into thinking Why am I feeling this? What does it mean? How do I get past it? instead of taking the time to simply acknowledge it. The times that I've managed to do that, the feelings have dissapated more quickly and more comfortably than the times I've tried to figure out why they're there.

It's helping me be more patient with others, too. Where once the emotions I had this week would have made me push for something too quickly or just leave it altogether, I'm slowly starting to learn to wait and see, and enjoy the great things about where I am. Not that I'm good at it- I had a lot of trouble sleeping this week and pretending not to acknowledge a really big Want of mine. I felt so much urgency, with almost no reason, and that urgency brought about a huge fear of losing what I Have.

Because when I think about it, the thing that I want is what I have always wanted. I've been waiting for it for a long time. I'll be ok to wait a while longer. It'll be worth it.

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