Monday, November 8, 2010

Yoko, Rufus, and Old Habits

I went to the MOMA this summer, and there was this exhibit there. It was a Yoko Ono exhibit; she'd installed a tree and then provided tags for people to write wishes on. I'd been spending the couple of weeks before going that exhibit feeling really overwhelmed, in great and not so great ways, so I decided to go simple. I wrote a Rufus Wainwright lyric on my side of the tag I was sharing. I guess that's not really a wish, but for me it was less about hoping for something and more about acknowledging where I was. Which I guess has always been something I've wished I could do.

I've always been one of those people that works in extremes. I'm either obsessively thinking about something, or not thinking about it at all. Ok, so maybe that's not strictly true, but I feel like it definitely can be at times. It's really hard for me to stop long enough to enjoy a moment actually in that moment. It's usually only days or months or years later that I can really acknowledge something, and what it meant to me.

I think that's because it's hard for me to trust things. I'm pretty used to just getting to the point of letting my guard down and then poof! whatever it was that I trusted in or felt sure about suddenly has some new quality that I don't know how to deal with or is gone altogether.

I'm not saying that those changes are never instigated by me - because they have been, and will continue to be - but these last couple of times have been doozies. I'm doubting some of my choices right now, even though I know that my first instinct was right and I'll pull through that doubt. I know myself well enough to have figured that out. It's just the going through it that's tough.

I think part of it is that for the last year and a half, I've been actively seeking life. I've been craving new experiences, new people, new thoughts. And it's been great, and difficult, and sometimes I've fallen back into hiding in my room for a few weeks before I'm ready to get out there again. I've been feeling like that lately, like I need to protect myself, and it's been forcing me to think about why. I'm realizing that it's because I'm one of those people who takes a long time to fully trust, and that makes it more impactful when that's shaken.

Not just my trust in others, but in myself, too. I've been letting myself down, and that is not a place I want to be. I'm frustrated with myself for letting little things at work get to me, for struggling to take things in stride, for the fact that I could so easily fall back into old habits. I want to live in the moments as they happen, and not always have my mind set on what happened last year or what comes next. I'm trying really hard not to do that, and I'm getting better. I've been able to say to myself a few times in the last week: This is an amazing moment and I am so thankful for it.

But other days, I'm bad at it. And those days when I'm not so good at it, I remember what I wrote on my card: I saw it in your eyes, what I'm looking for. All the sights of Paris fell inside your iris.

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